Saturday, December 31, 2005

Another year has come and gone...

It is hard to believe that another year has come and gone. Not much has changed for me and I feel completely powerless to make changes. My only resolution is to not say the same thing this time next year. Me and my dog on lake Travis... a moment of relaxation and meditation. Every time I try to move forward, I am paralyzed by the mundane and necessary - responsibilites...children, bills, business. I wish I could run away and start all over again, but I know better.

Friday, March 04, 2005

A Day of Rest

I am missing Shabbat. I am missing that feeling one gets albeit stressful those few hours before sunset running around in preparation. I don't think Shabbat will ever be for me what it once was. However, I would like to make it something we can own.

Keeping Shabbat according to conventionally accepted orthodox oral law is not likely to happen. A day of rest, true rest, family, spirituality and good food - both restorative and constructive at the same time is what I yearn.

Weekends have become so mundane - all the preparations for the coming week and the disaster recovery from the one prior. I was orthodox, I know how its done. Putting any form of Shabbat together will require conviction, energy, time and effort. I want it to be a family project so that Shabbat will be enjoyable for all - tying together some very traditional practices and some created solely by and for this family.

When the children return I suppose a family meeting is in order.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Wanting a place to bounce ideas and thoughts around

While precariously balancing that fine line between insanity and genius he pathologically maintains constant personal, spiritual and physical metamorphosis to ingratiate himself. That must take an inordinate amount of emotional energy. Winiarz truly believes that he is the victim of some witch-hunt. He must believe this simply to exist.

I too have changed, many times over. My transformations have been entirely necessary and internal in nature. Painfully I have scrutinized who I am, revealing my innermost hopes, dreams, fears and beliefs only to myself and to those who love me. I have emerged stronger, more confident and self-actualized. This is true growth, not born of a desire for acceptance, love, money or power.

My relationship with my spirituality is tenuous at best. Who I am is no longer defined by my existential pondering. My spirituality is born from my role as mother, partner, friend, student, co-worker… I have lost touch with the traditional notion of a supreme being. (More another day...)